I was caught off guard recently when my 58-year-old sister-in-law declared she had zero interest in remarrying if her husband were to pass away before she did. Her proclamation surprised me since Lainey has loved being a wife and mother, and she and her spouse have built a beautiful life together.

I found it astonishing since she’s one of the few older women I know who’d have absolutely no problem beating the odds and finding a new man eager to tie the knot with her.

Lainey is gorgeous as all get out, smart as a whip, funny as hell, and fit as a fiddle.

Plus, she’s worked as a nurse for the past 32 years and has a loving, compassionate bedside manner. She’s the real deal, and any man would know instantly he’d hit the jackpot if given the opportunity to spend his twilight years with her.

Therefore, it seemed odd to me that she was hellbent against remarrying.

She’s not leaving it to chance

After getting over my initial shock, I came to respect Lainey’s firm stance. I admired her for having a handle on what she wanted to do with the rest of her life if her husband were to die first. After all, that’s the more likely scenario given that women live longer than men do on average.

As a longtime nurse, Lainey wants to avoid being trapped in a caretaking role with an aging spouse. Like many other women, she’s put in her time looking after her husband and raising her kids and is now ready to make herself the priority.

Lainey is laying a foundation today for her future life without a guy, and it turns out she’s not the only one. Not only are more women accepting the reality that they won’t marry again, they’re enthusiastically embracing it.

They’re making plans to travel, write books, start small businesses, spend time with their kids and grandkids, learn to paint, join pickleball leagues and hiking clubs, volunteer, and revel in a strong community of female friends. In designing their futures, they’re being proactive, deliberate, and joyful.

Moreover, gals like Lainey aren’t waiting until their husbands pass away before engaging in these pursuits. They’re doing them now, so they won’t be caught flat-footed when they become widows.

After all, the last thing they want to do is follow the example of women from prior generations who waited until their husbands died, became lonely, and felt lost. Lacking any direction, they turned to what was familiar and safe: pairing up with another guy.

Their need to feel secure, coupled with a lack of imagination, sent them down the same old road they’d already traveled, even when it was a rocky and regrettable one. My mother chose this for herself, walking the same old time-worn path instead of taking a risk and exploring a new one.

She was born in the 1930s when having a man defined who you were as a woman and lifted your status. Sadly, some gals of her generation believed having a dud for a man was better than having no man at all. That was our mom’s opinion decades ago and still is today.

Freedom was too scary

Soon after our father died, our 60-year-old mom signed up for a computer class for seniors even though she’d never shown a speck of interest in technology. She was as computer illiterate as ever a few months later, but she had snagged herself a boyfriend.

She had pursued a widower who was apathetic about being in a relationship.After 38 years of marriage to our father, she jumped headfirst into another long-term bond with a man who was very much like our dad — undemonstrative, humorless, and commanding.

The new guy, Phil, shared a similar mindset with our deceased father: I’m indifferent about being in a relationship. However, if I’m going to be in one, then I’m going to call the shots.

Because of her decision to partner up with yet another controlling man, everyone in our family has suffered during their 26-year relationship. But no one more than our mom. She missed out on new adventures, happy times with her kids and grandkids, and the opportunity to prove she could build a meaningful life without a guy.

Our father’s death had given her a priceless chance at freedom. She was financially secure, in good health, and finally liberated from a husband who’d kept her on a short leash.

This would be her first time to be without a man since she was 20 years old. However, instead of opting for autonomy, our mom chose to do what she knew and what made her feel comfortable.

Her decision taught me that not everyone wants freedom, even though they pay lip service to it. For some folks like my mother, it’s too scary of a thing and requires more of them than they’re willing to give. It’s too much responsibility.

People like my mom prefer to stay in a cage of their own making where they feel safe and secure. My mother’s enclosure of choice had always been controlling men.

Mom, we can’t take this journey with you

At the beginning of her relationship, my siblings and I were thrilled to pieces for our mother because she was as euphoric as a schoolgirl with her first crush. Her widow friends were amazed (and a little jealous) that she had been able to land herself a man so quickly when they had searched for years and came up empty.

However, we all realized in short order that landing this particular guy had been no feat. He was definitely no catch, and most women would have thrown him back without a second’s hesitation.

Soon a pattern my siblings and I knew all too well started to emerge. Our mom began to complain regularly to us about Phil just as she had done with our father.

She groused that he wasn’t taking her out to restaurants or anywhere else for that matter. She grumbled that he just wanted to stay home and watch sports on TV. She groaned that he wouldn’t attend church with her. She fussed that he refused to socialize with her friends. She whined that he was cheap.

My siblings and I had a decision to make. Were we going on this journey with our mother once again, becoming her unpaid therapists like we were as kids when she complained bitterly to us about our dad? Were we going to listen to her gripe and moan about Phil, or were we finally going to say, “Enough!”?

Four out of five of us chose the latter. Our youngest sibling, though, decided to remain in his role as mom’s therapist. Unlike the rest of us, he was single with no children and didn’t mind devoting his time and energy to mom’s woes. Plus, it made him feel special and needed.

We don’t want to hear it, Mom

I was recently talking to my mom on the phone and she started in on Phil. I cut her off immediately and reminded her gently that I didn’t want to hear about their private issues.

They’re in their 80s now, and the ride has been a bumpy one, to say the least. I’m so grateful I was wise enough to opt out of their chaos and focus on my own family.

When reflecting upon my mother’s decision to enter a second long-term relationship with a difficult man, I recall the lines from the Persian poet Hafez: “Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.”

After a hellish marriage to our father, my siblings and I wanted to see our mom living in style. It was within her reach, but she was too scared. She returned to what was familiar, even though it was cramped and suffocating.

Once she chose that, we had our own tough decision to make. I decided to drift away because I couldn’t bear to watch it all again. Once was enough for me.

Today, I can’t help but wish that our mother had made a vow like Lainey not to remarry. It’s too late for her, but I hope other women will consider making a similar pledge. I have.